Buy I Do/I Don't: Queers on Marriage
edited by Ian Philips and Greg Wharton
[Suspect Thoughts Press, 09.2004]

Two Men in Search of a Label

How often have you been asked to define your relationship in heterosexual terms, being asked by some idiot, “which one’s the wife”, meaning, “which of you is the submissive one”?  The terms “husband” and “wife” are not just tied to heterosexual marriage, they are gender and role-based words.  Husband is not just the male in the relationship, the word also implies a masculine role of the one in charge, the designated decision maker and provider; while its counterpart wife implies the one who takes a more submissive role, the caretaker and nurturer.  Husband is distinctly male, wife distinctly female; you could easily substitute male and female for those two words without losing much more than the relationship between them.  Though we’ve come a long way as a society to break these gender stereotypes, the truth is they still exist.

The majority of same-sex relationships are not constructed on gender-based roles, but more frequently on equally footing.  It is normal for two men or two women sharing a household to divide the chores and responsibilities of daily life and childcare between them based on their schedules, ability and desire.  In our household, Jack does most of the cooking, I do most of the cleaning, and we equally share the responsibility of bringing home the bacon.  It is not one person’s job to act as the “wife”, doing the stereotypically feminine household chores, and neither is it to act as the “husband” in the masculine defined role of provider.  We define our own relationship rather than allow gender-based expectations implanted in us by society to define it for us.

Finish reading "Two Men in Search of a Label" in I Do/I Don't: Queers on Marriage